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I have something important to say

#1
All this time, these last 9 months, I have been trying to do everything to get more social in the real world that I could do alone. I thought that no one was going to help me or truly understand me.

Turns out I was the one being blindsided by myself.

The friend advice, the social situations, the problems I've had, all of that was avoidable by one factor: my will to accept other's opinions and wants. I've had trouble with that my whole life. I still do. But I realize now, I just wanted attention. And when it wasn't the right kind of attention, I didn't accept it. I had so much to gain at the beginning of the year, but I couldn't handle that I wasn't getting what I wanted.
I also had trouble understanding who I was. I thought no one, not even I, would understand who I was. But now I realize, everyone knew who I WAS; I had just changed who I am now trying to figure that out. And when I knew parts of the truth, and figured things out, all I needed to do was go back to normal. But I had lost myself by then, and I had no idea what to do. It was just another downward spiral of tragic events that I'd thought would follow.

Then today. I happened to stumble across a video (that I had been planning to watch for weeks but never got the chance to) made by a highly subscribed YouTuber and domino builder, and found that I was the featured community member at the end. Couldn't help myself not to put a smile on my face. And then I suddenly got embarrassed. If I was this good, that not even 6 months after I started my channel I'm already so far into my dream as one of the best domino builders, then why am I still so miserable, so crazy, so wanting attention? I already have more attention than I probably deserve (and don't convince me otherwise, it's just not right to be greedy for others when they aren't greedy) in possibly my whole life. I'm wasting my golden years and I don't even care or just refuse to acknowledge it, I don't know, but I need to stop. I don't want to pretend like my personality is something else even though I can very well act like it. Because that's not what people liked before about me. They liked the way I was funny, the way I was kind, the way that I never could stop talking (well, maybe not that one, but still hehe) and even the way I laughed, could have fun, could every once and a while play dead (childhood stuff, don't comment on it, let it be sacred). I was a better person. I can be a better person. And that's by doing what I love most. Not what I want most.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll get the attention I wanted after all. Not not going to hope for it, though, because I'm not crazy enough not to hope and dream. But that's what got me the attraction I had years ago. My wild ability to dream, and openly share it. And then act on some of it.

I will not give up on that quality on mine. Ever. I will, if the forces of the unknown allow, make this dream of mine, where I am truly happy, as much of a reality as possible.
#2
And I am also going to start doing more schoolwork, and pay attention more in classes, stop rebelling against teachers, or just authority in general. Because I'm too mature for that... well, maybe not mature enough to stop it completely, but enough to stop doing it every day. And it is going to start with me not constantly checking the phone 24/7 or watching movies all the time. If I don't have enough time at home to do that, then I need to reorganize the playlists to where movies I want to watch are in one playlist, and movies that are just a side extra are in another. Those I'm less likely to pay attention to and may help me focus in classes. Also another side note: I need to talk to the teachers about getting this site unblocked on school Chromebooks. As much as this site is a distraction for me, it's also a good site where if I want a 5-minute break to check forum updates I can do it, reply to what I need to, and get back to my classwork in no time. Also, how the hell is a chess club supposed to exist if both of the major chess sites are blocked for students? Eventually, they're gonna have to unblock it if we're going to start a chess club next year; why not now?
#3
And one more thing: next year I'll be starting a chess club. But there's something else I want to do. Something that I know will get me more social. Because most of the people I used to know know I like doing it. Chess is competitive, and there's no real teamwork involved. So, why not, perhaps in the middle of next year, start a domino club at my school?
If I decide to do that, though, I will have little time to be online. That may mean saying goodbye to the very active me and hello to the 10 posts a day me. I just need to know if you guys would support me on this.
#4
Now, I just spent an hour doing this, so I'm going to head off until 8:00 PM (time is 2:51 PM rn for me) tonight.
#5
I hope this isn't a joke or a troll.

I am happy for you, because you have positive resolutions but know how to move forward and not worry about other people's opinions of you, but only do what you know how to do best.

be close to your family and people who value you and believe in you. I told you earlier that mastering dominoes is a rare talent, and that you can do a lot more with it. so if you focus on such hobbies in addition to your studies, you can achieve happiness.
#7
“If you’re going to outwit the devil, it’s terribly important you don’t give him any advanced notice.” -Alan Watts
#8
@LordSupremeChess said in #1:
> All this time, these last 9 months, I have been trying to do everything to get more social in the real world that I could do alone. I thought that no one was going to help me or truly understand me.
>
> Turns out I was the one being blindsided by myself.
>
> The friend advice, the social situations, the gf thing, all of that was avoidable by one factor: my will to accept other's opinions and wants. I've had trouble with that my whole life. I still do. But I realize now, I just wanted attention. And when it wasn't the right kind of attention, I didn't accept it. I had so much to gain at the beginning of the year, but I couldn't handle that I wasn't getting what I wanted.
> I also had trouble understanding who I was. I thought no one, not even I, would understand who I was. But now I realize, everyone knew who I WAS; I had just changed who I am now trying to figure that out. And when I knew parts of the truth, and figured things out, all I needed to do was go back to normal. But I had lost myself by then, and I had no idea what to do. It was just another downward spiral of tragic events that I'd thought would follow.
>
> Then today. I happened to stumble across a video (that I had been planning to watch for weeks but never got the chance to) made by a highly subscribed YouTuber and domino builder, and found that I was the featured community member at the end. Couldn't help myself not to put a smile on my face. And then I suddenly got embarrassed. If I was this good, that not even 6 months after I started my channel I'm already so far into my dream as one of the best domino builders, then why am I still so miserable, so crazy, so wanting attention? I already have more attention than I probably deserve (and don't convince me otherwise, it's just not right to be greedy for others when they aren't greedy) in possibly my whole life. I'm wasting my golden years and I don't even care or just refuse to acknowledge it, I don't know, but I need to stop. I don't want to pretend like my personality is something else even though I can very well act like it. Because that's not what people liked before about me. They liked the way I was funny, the way I was kind, the way that I never could stop talking (well, maybe not that one, but still hehe) and even the way I laughed, could have fun, could every once and a while play dead (childhood stuff, don't comment on it, let it be sacred). I was a better person. I can be a better person. And that's by doing what I love most. Not what I want most.
>
> And maybe, just maybe, I'll get the attention I wanted after all. Not not going to hope for it, though, because I'm not crazy enough not to hope and dream. But that's what got me the attraction I had years ago. My wild ability to dream, and openly share it. And then act on some of it.
>
> I will not give up on that quality on mine. Ever. I will, if the forces of the unknown allow, make this dream of mine, where I am truly happy, as much of a reality as possible.

Hi there. I know what you're passing through right now. Actually, I'm having almost the same problems that you everyday.
Like you, I didn't (and don't) had/have experience at socializing. I sucked at it. I did not have friends until 5th grade. I think that in every personal development there must be this kind of stuff. For example, if I hadn't been alone for that long, I would not have time to learn chess.
The fact that shocked me most of this post is something everyone in my family told me as well: "you always want to be the black hole for attention." Already when young, I now realize how many attention I wanted. Doing silly things just to get those stares at me. And now, unconsciously, I do it sometimes. It's a quality I have. I don't think it is either good or bad, it is a part of me. Basically, I really understand what is happening to you, cause it's happening to me as well.
Finally, just wanted to say i read your article and liked it. It is an intelligent article, it seems you know what to do with this issue. I do feel identified with it. I know you will get out of this. Just, try out socializing, have fun (while being respectful) and most importantly: don't rush. The gf thing, you will get it. Im also in some kind of state with someone where we are not friends but we are not dating. I have realized it's very important to keep things slow. Don't rush. Feel the golden years you have left with all the intensity you can. This is a classical game, not hyperbullet ;)
Take it easy, don't rush, and just have a good time. Hope you the best, @LordSupremeChess. Have a good day/night.

B9.
#9
@Banzai9 said in #8:
> Hi there. I know what you're passing through right now. Actually, I'm having almost the same problems that you everyday.
> Like you, I didn't (and don't) had/have experience at socializing. I sucked at it. I did not have friends until 5th grade. I think that in every personal development there must be this kind of stuff. For example, if I hadn't been alone for that long, I would not have time to learn chess.
> The fact that shocked me most of this post is something everyone in my family told me as well: "you always want to be the black hole for attention." Already when young, I now realize how many attention I wanted. Doing silly things just to get those stares at me. And now, unconsciously, I do it sometimes. It's a quality I have. I don't think it is either good or bad, it is a part of me. Basically, I really understand what is happening to you, cause it's happening to me as well.
> Finally, just wanted to say i read your article and liked it. It is an intelligent article, it seems you know what to do with this issue. I do feel identified with it. I know you will get out of this. Just, try out socializing, have fun (while being respectful) and most importantly: don't rush. The gf thing, you will get it. Im also in some kind of state with someone where we are not friends but we are not dating. I have realized it's very important to keep things slow. Don't rush. Feel the golden years you have left with all the intensity you can. This is a classical game, not hyperbullet ;)
> Take it easy, don't rush, and just have a good time. Hope you the best, @LordSupremeChess. Have a good day/night.
>
> B9.

For me it's different, I've always been sociable but I was and am often bored when I talk to people my age, so most of my friends are older, sometimes much older than me (some are 25 years old, and I'm 17 now). the problem is that I have a reputation as an intellectual, capable of talking for hours and hours, and apart from my future job and my hobbies, I sometimes talk about subjects that most 17 year olds are not interested in discussing, (subjects that I avoid on Lichess for these same reasons). among others :

- ancient Greek and Latin philosophy

- Creative method and creative process

- aesthetic debate on different forms of art

- religion and exegesis

- psychology and also a little psychoanalysis...

and I also look physically older than my age, lol.
#10
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